Tolerable, not choosable

She was never one for a lot of friends. And yet, she craved connection.  

She liked living in her head. And yet, she wondered why she wasn’t popular.  

She learned to mold herself to be who she thought they wanted her to be. To hide the bits that might be too much or too little. But what they saw was never enough.  

She became easy to be around, easy to talk to, easy to work with. But she only became tolerable, not choosable.  

Those who said she’s so nice didn’t include her in their social circle. Didn’t reach out, didn’t call. 

Others did, but only for a while. 

Yet others liked the smooth edges, not the real her. When the real bits came out, when she bared her needs, they also left. She saw no tolerance, no grace, no forgiveness. 

She saw that others had edges, but they also seemed to have more, be more. More interesting, more fun, more something. And more connection. 

When she could no longer understand and when she could no longer keep trying, she turned to God.  

God told her that she was enough. God told her I made you and you are perfect. God said you are choosable and I choose you. 

On days when she feels her loneliness and her otherness, she remembers she has God.  

And maybe, just maybe her trial is the blessing. Because as long as she feels the ache, she feels the need, she reaches out to God. Without her needing to do anything -- except keep her sights on Him – she is found.